Bleary-eyed I am pacing the hospital hallway at 3:30AM chanting quietly to myself and sobbing. Children are crying in rooms with closed doors. My baby is one of them, while the doctors put an IV in her little arm. I am wondering why is this happening.
As a mother, there is nothing worse than your child being sick, hurt, or in pain. Nothing. Why is this happening? I kept asking every being I ever prayed to—why? Only to realize the answer to that why is another why with no definitive answer.
The back-story is that my daughter was having infantile spasms. At first, we were unsure of what she was doing and why. We took a video and went to the doctor. That night we were driving to the hospital. I don’t like hospitals. I don’t buy into Western Medicine. However, Western Medicine serves a purpose at times especially in this case. After many tests, ultrasounds, an MRI (I think this is by far a harrowing experience. I sat in the room with my daughter, and when I came out of there I felt like my entire being had been electric shocked and I was shaking. Maybe the best part was for the techs watching me do pranayama, braid my hair, bumblebee breath with full on digital actions, and try to not go mad in 25-minutes.), Visual EEG (They all probably loved that as I would curl up in the crib to breastfeed my baby. It was full on acrobatics.), EKG, and numerous doctors visiting until we finally received a diagnosis. My daughter has been diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis, which is a rare genetic condition that causes benign tubers or tumors to grow. Hers are in her brain causing seizures. Why would this happen to an innocent child? Why? Honestly, I am still struggling, because it is very unfair and I can’t seem to understand. Yes, I am pissed off at the divine for this happening to my little girl.
We have all been there before. Trying to find answers to why something horribly terrifying and heartbreaking is happening. Sometimes we receive an answer and other times we do not.
My friend called with the answer. The most perfect answer at that moment. This is a divine orchestration she said, and part of your daughter’s path and something for all of you to learn.
Divine orchestration. I sat with that in silence listening deeply.
The next day my father gave his wisdom, “Love trumps all.”
In these moments it is hard to think that suffering can be divinely orchestrated. We may not know and ever be able to understand why something happens. What I do know is that no matter what happens love helps us to overcome adversity and that adversity strengthens us.
All we have is TODAY and it is divinely orchestrated.
**Prayers for my baby girl and our family are welcome. For it is the power of prayer that has gotten me through as well as breathing, mantra, pranayama, practice, chocolate, the love that is overflowing from our community, and my daughter’s smile. **