Our Indira Marie is now 2 weeks and 1 day old. I have forgotten almost all of the details of the birth, luckily though my beloved has remembered for me and he is much better at telling the story. Giving birth was probably one of the most intense and beautiful experiences in my life. I have never felt so connected to the divine and/or felt so embodied. It is like communing with grace itself. In the moments when I wanted to give up, because I was exhausted all I could hear was my breath, mantras playing, and a voice inside saying find your bliss. Then, after 5-hours of labor, she arrived.
As I have stepped into this role, I now have a deeper understanding of my own mother–her fears, her devotion, her complete unconditional love, her nurturing, her care, her selflessness, and the role she has played in my life. I didn’t worry before. Now, I worry. Worry is new, and learning to let go has taken on a new meaning, as it is a practice I thought I mastered. As a mother letting go is apparently a practice learned over time (or maybe not at all), because I’m completely attached and devoted.
Life has new purpose. It is no longer about me, and the sacrifice and responsibility I feel is paramount. You become intimately connected to the needs of your child, and suddenly your own personal needs take on a different meaning. Daily needs like sleep, showering, meditation, yoga practice, eating all have new meaning and create new practice opportunities. My friend said I wouldn’t sleep again. I am believing this to be true. I don’t really sleep anymore. If she makes a noise, I’m awake. And, for meditation she comes with me to the cushion.
Motherhood feels like the greatest gift anyone has ever blessed me with. I know no greater joy and love. I feel like my heart is bursting open daily. I feel a gentleness and quiet understanding of grace, light, and the divine that embraces all of us.
May all mothers be blessed. May all beings know love in their hearts.