I don’t know.

“No matter where we are on the bodhisattva path, whether we are just beginning or we’ve practiced for years, we’re always stepping further into groundlessness.” Pema Chodron

This is what it looks like, hitting “restart” or “start” or “I don’t know”  yet again. It’s that “groundlessness” of not knowing. Of being honest enough to say, “I don’t know.” It may feel like somehow your lost, like you just can’t see that next step, like your in some mind-forest of stuck, and you truly can’t see beyond your two feet. This can be for some of us ungrounding, unsettling, and anxiety-provoking. For me, it’s more a matter of feeling stuck, which leads me surrendering to “I don’t know.” My mind loves to throw this “stuck” experience at me like a boulder. Eventually, I detach from that mind-citta-stuff, and sit with it to release this stuck experience and go to groundlessness.  Then, the fun begins. It’s like a magical surprise when something completely unexpected shows up. It’s so exciting. I actually love this place. I love groundlessness. I do. I hate stuck though. I hate it. It’s my enemy, and I’ve tried many different ways to make friends.

So, if you ask me today, “Beth, what are you going to do next or what are you going to do?” my simple reply, “I do not know.” I truly do not. I am at “I don’t know.”  I have lost my passion to teach the students I am teaching right now.  It’s time to leave the classroom trenches. It’s time to dust off the layers of working with kids living in violence, poverty, neglect, drug problems, and abuse. It’s draining and exhausting to go in day after day and not see change, and to be positive and have it somehow backfire, because what you are dealing with is bigger than you.  You continually realize the problem is just too huge for one person to make significant and effective change. This takes a society changing its patterns, and its way of functioning. Truth is I love teaching. It’s just time to either teach something else, or put my energy into something where I can make a difference. And, today, I truly do not know what that looks like or what that is. It takes wandering in the unknown and experiencing “I don’t know” for that moment when suddenly you see beyond your feet, and the next step shows itself like a piece of quartz shining beneath red dirt.

Truth is what ever you think you know at any given point can change and will change. It all depends if your open to riding in the river of groundlessness, and yet at the same time being grounded in the complete present of the river’s tide.

 

 

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