Confession.

“So when things get really bad, remember where you came from, and how well you have done.” My father.

With this post I officially release, heal, and say goodbye to the past.

I have to be honest. I am so happy that this year has ended. Actually, I am so happy that the last two-years of my life are now part of the past. Well maybe, three-years of my life. I am not going to lie it has been the most challenging, bumpy, painful, complicated, and downright dirty few years. IN the moments of dirt and painful moments,  beauty has arrived in the form of a person, group of people, the ocean, mountains, a small reminder, a gesture, or an angel has appeared that has shown me it’s all part of the process and to not give up. Like the picture above. It’s from the day I left Boston, and moved home to live with my mom and her boyfriend. The day that I got in that U-Haul was one of the hardest days. I was leaving it all behind, even my dog, except for what I could fit in the U-Haul and back of my Volvo.

I don’t talk a lot about my personal life in this public space, because it’s easier for me not to share the trying and difficult parts of my life. Well, it’s the new year, and it’s time to be honest and personal. Let’s go back to the U-Haul. How did I get to that moment?

When I was 19 and about to turn 20, I stood in front of a mirror at a girlfriend’s house and we were about to go see the band Reach the Sky play. I can’t remember who they were playing with, but we were going with some other friends I knew from Boston. It was in Worcester, Ma. And, at the time I was going to Wheaton College. So, I was standing in the mirror, and I heard a voice in my right ear say, “You are going to meet the man you are going to marry today.” I took this seriously, as I always I did when I heard these things in my right ear. I put more make up on, did my hair a different way, and carefully selected my outfit. We went to the show, and I was introduced to this man (who shall remain nameless). He was older than me by six and a half years, and I remember he told me to drop out of college. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I didn’t know who I was meeting that day that was going to be my supposed husband. A few weeks later after my birthday, it was the 20th of March, I received a phone call from this person and he asked me out on a date. Again, I didn’t realize at the time the synchronicity that was occurring.

We ended up dating. I left Wheaton College and moved to Boston to go to Northeastern. Partially because Wheaton was not the right school for me, it was too isolating, and because I wanted to be close to him.  After, 6-months we broke up, but then got back together again. We moved in with each other after a year. We lived in Boston until I finished school, and we went off to Cleveland to live for 5-years with his mom. While living in Cleveland, I found yoga and meditation. I had an amazing community of friends, yet, I wasn’t happy there. I was constantly sick. I was starting to see how our relationship wasn’t working. I didn’t know what to do about it. After we decided to stay for a few more years, which albeit, I didn’t want to do, but I chose to stay.  I didn’t want to give up on what we did have at that time. After Cleveland, we moved back to Boston, and lived in Dorchester. I had gotten a job teaching at Chelsea High School. It was an inner-city school in one of the most challenging and impoverished school districts in Massachusetts. They had this saying that if you could teach in Chelsea for 3-years you could teach anywhere. It’s true.

All in all, we were together for about nine to ten years, and lived together for most of those years. It was a sacrifice. I’m not going to lie. It was a challenging relationship for me.  I loved him dearly. We had what would seem like a good life together. We traveled. We explored our love of music and food. Yet, I felt there was always something missing. We had grown apart, and there wasn’t anything left, I felt. I had grown into my path of living a conscious life, where evolving and my connection to spirit was part of my daily life, where he didn’t share that with me.

Anyway, we ended up getting married. The voice was right. The man that I met that day, I married. I remember the day that we signed our marriage license. It was the hardest day for me, because I felt like I was giving all of me over to him, and I couldn’t do it.  This is hard for me to admit. Yet, some of us have been at this very place. We don’t know how we got to where we were, yet we were standing there facing this reality going is this really happening. And, the answer is always, “yes.”  Then, before the wedding I had so many doubts, and I was seeing a therapist to help me get through the anxiety attacks I kept having around my job as a teacher and my life. Right before the wedding, it hit me that the relationship was not healthy for me any longer. This was one of those “ohhh” moments, where you don’t quite know what to do, and the best thing you can think of is to do nothing. Regardless, I was getting married, and I got married. At the wedding as we were going through the ceremony, all I could do was watch the dragonflies dance in the pond, and thought of how swimming with them might be fun.  The wedding was to be remembered. It was truly beautiful, and well awesome. Yet, to this day, I have felt guilt and have had a hard time forgiving myself for not being fully present and honest with myself or him for how I was feeling, and for hurting someone I loved deeply. Our marriage lasted 6-months, I moved out in February to go live with my friends, who were my angels. They lived by the ocean, and I would walk the ocean every day. It was such a gift. They also showed me what a true partnership looks like, and what long lasting love looks like.

Prior to the divorce, someone from my past re-entered my life after many years, and showed me that the reality of my relationship was not nurturing me. I can’t lie, he was one of my greatest teachers and a catalyst. There is someone in each of our lives who shows up just to teach us something extremely important, and he was it.  I also remember the moment when I was at my therapists and said, “It’s over isn’t it.” Then, there was the moment, when after a 6-7 year battle of not being able to eat wheat, sugar, eggs, oranges, and many other foods because I would get so sick, finding out I was allergic to nothing. After I left, I was able to eat again and no longer sick. We got divorced exactly one-year after our wedding day. And, if you have been through a divorce, I do not need to say what that can be like. It doesn’t matter if it’s simple. It doesn’t matter if there are no children involved, although it is easier, it still is terrible. It’s horrible. It’s dirty. It’s painful. It sucks.

In lieu of all this divorce happening, I went deeper inside to heal. Ayurveda healed me. I learned Reiki II and III, and healed myself. I practiced yoga relentlessly. My students helped me stand strong in my own being, even when I cried in front of them almost daily. I sat and truly looked in the mirror and went to some very dark places to heal.

From that relationship, I learned more about myself and truly grew up. I didn’t communicate effectively with him. I didn’t stand up for myself. I wasn’t honest with myself. I was responsible for not ever saying what I had to say. I was shut down. I gave all that I had, and he took it all. I changed who I was for him at first, and then grew into who I was, hence, my leaving. I wanted to change and fix him, yet realized that’s not how it works. I realized I was responsible, and in order to be in the relationship I wanted to be in, I had to change myself. I had to do the work.

So this is how we got to the U-Haul, me moving out of Boston to go live with my mom in Connecticut with her and her boyfriend. Ram Dass said something like you are not truly enlightened until you live with your mother, and I’m adding and her boyfriend. Talk about receiving a mirror.  The practice of actually living with your mother tests every single practice you know. Living with my mom questioned every precept ever taken, every mantra ever said, and every prayer learned, said, and otherwise. It’s like your forced to look at where all of your patterns and conditions come from. It was like I reverted to where I left off the last time I lived at home, and everything that was not healed decided that it was time to be healed. That’s another story.  In living at home, I saw who my mom was and where she was at in her life.

While in Connecticut, I took a wild ride of dark places. I was in another toxic friendship/relationship, which actually was quite damaging. It was my wake-up call. I was again with someone who had taken me for all that I had, and as a result left me literally with nothing emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise. I had fallen down so completely. It was nearly unbearable, to the point of my boss and dear friend, picking me up and giving me the gift of life coaching. In addition, my mom’s boyfriend and I didn’t get a long, which lead to tension and constant anger in the house. I went to my early learned-vices of partying and checking-out, and spending a lot of time not living a healthy lifestyle. Therefore, I was never at home. Yet, what happened was in order to pick myself up again, I prayed for help, and I went back to those very practices that saved me before. I called on angels, spirit guides, animal spirits all of what I knew to be out in the vast space of existence for help. And, I’m so thankful I did. I ended up working a lot of jobs. I worked at a holistic healing center, a yoga studio, I taught yoga, I tutored, I was a substitute teacher, I created my own Reiki practice. I made it happen, because I had no choice. Then, I had no choice but to leave Connecticut. I said goodbye. And, here I am in Santa Fe, home. Santa Fe is exactly where I am supposed to be. All of the intentions I set have now began to manifest. Presently, I can say I am enjoying this ride!

I look back now, and see just how far I have come. And, sometimes we need to remember where we were to see the beauty and gifts of where we are, and who and what is in our life at this very moment. We are exactly where we are supposed to be, and there are no mistakes and failures…only lessons and growth.

Tonight, I officially say goodbye to  30-plus years of old patterns, karmic hurt, and what is the beautifully fucked up past. My list is this…

1.  I will create balance, abundance, and harmony in my relationships.

2. I will be honest with myself and others. I will speak my truth.

3. I forgive myself. I forgive those that have hurt me in this lifetime and in past lives. I will forgive.

4. I will communicate.

5. I will let go of doubt. I will trust.

6. I will do what may feel uncomfortable and do it anyway.

7. I will love myself. I will love others.

8. I will cherish the gifts, and be open to receive the gifts of this life.

I release the past and welcome the embrace of joy, light, blessings, and love into my life in this new year. Thank you for receiving me, and my words.

May there be light, love, abundance, and joy in this new year for all beings.

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Confession.

  1. As I was reading your post, I was amazed how you were able to concisely say all that was needed. Congratulations, sister, on a life well lived. Wishing you peace, joy and abundance in the coming year, and always. I love you.

  2. Great post… your story is a little too familiar. I too have experienced one toxic relationship after another… but now, I am learning to slow down, and feel what i need. Listen to my intuition. We all have these major transformational times in our lives… i wish you the best. Trust your intuition. Be Well.

  3. Pingback: The Energy of Candida | The Sister Hawk Blog

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