2-Months In, a Dedication

 

This post I have dedicated to Brune, who passed while traveling on a plane in France. She was part of the Prajna sangha. Each moment we have a chance to live in the unknown, in the precious moments, in the breath of present, and this is the path of the warrior for we do not know when that breath will become silent in existence. May we all live in the unknown, precious moments with joy and peace.
2-Months In.

I’ve spent 2 months grieving. I admit it. I confess. I left all of what I knew. All of what was, literally behind to move to Santa Fe, and at times I wondered what the hell was I thinking…still sometimes do. I mean really. I did this. I moved here. I get asked why Santa Fe, I say I don’t know. I heard a voice, I listened, and the rest fell into place. It’s been like that since I moved here. It’s all falling into some sort of place. Is this my confirmation universe, I ask again and again in awe. Oh, it is confirmation.

This place will ask of you to do your work, so I’ve been told this three-times now. This is my clue. The number 3 is sacred. Now, I see why. It’s dry, hot, monsoons happen, fires they do too, the air is thin, we live at 7,000 feet, water is scarce, and each day you do a mini-rain dance, or in my case a dance for a downpour, an ocean. Please for the love of God rain! Anything!! (By the way it’s finally raining.)The heat alone pushes my pitta into unknown aggravated places, and there is the work. Can I sit in it? Can I look at it? Can I embrace it? And, just the other day, I had a total meltdown in Mysore. I mean meltdown. I’ve been dodging so many waves to get here, I surrendered, and said no more pushing, no more trying. Everything said STOP. Hmm. Child’s pose. Thank you!

After I landed in Santa Fe, I had a week to ground here, and then into 26-days of studying yoga with Tias and family. In the midst of training, so much came up and out of me. Life happened outside of the container called “Prajna-200 Hour-Intensive.” This is where I learned the most, being in the container and being in the world all at the same time. I realized in this one month that I don’t trust a lot of people, I shut down & wall up, I run from confrontation and difficult conversations, my heart needs to love so much so I forget about myself, I grip my toes and don’t breathe in asana, and my nervous system is tired and burned out from the past 8-odd years of my life. Ugh. This seemed like an unsurmountable amount of work to do. The conversation would go like this… “Hi demons how are you today, shall we have a talk. I just don’t feel like talking for too long, I’d like you to smile at me now, and leave me the hell alone”..no such luck. It really doesn’t work that way, because it will come up again in just another form. Oh and it has.

So, at 2-months I have realized that I’m here to re-work and re-do the way I’ve been living.  When I started on this path, I had no idea. My dad said, “Honey there is no going back and its not an easy road.”  He was right, like fathers can be at times. I chose it and it chose me.  The path of yoga is transformation, and learning to be with the evolutionary process where it sometimes is uncomfortable, painful, and agitating; yet, filled with grace and awe-inspiring moments as we open to it.
Right now, I am practicing Astanga. It has truly changed me. I didn’t ever think I could ever rise at 5:30 and actually be somewhere. It’s slowly teaching me how to get my brain out of my yoga practice, I’m taking a pause from precision to focus on breathing as I flow.
I will be teaching again. I have been lost without it. There is nothing like walking into a classroom each day. I will be a special education teacher at a middle school here.  My goal is to also start teaching them yoga. And, also teach yoga here in Santa Fe and practice Reiki.
In these two-months, I have found my feet again digging in into the sand and into this breath. The feet are our ground. We start there.
Blessings to my sangha. May we all shine, soar, transform, and know peace in our hearts.

“So to bring about a radical change, there must be a revolution in the pschye, in oneself.” Krishnamurti.

One thought on “2-Months In, a Dedication

  1. Even if I do not understand all of the words of yoga, I still fully understand (maybe) and feel the strong emotion in your words. You are an amazing thinker, yes you are! I wish you beautiful, bright days ahead, as you are truly on your way. It was such a lovely writing. I feel inspired.

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