I haven’t shared much about this, but I am now 6-months pregnant. This is my story.
We had just moved into together. I had moved from my one-bedroom apartment into my boyfriend’s house, which he had been sharing at the time with two other roommates. My apartment was my sanctuary, and one of the best gifts I had given to myself. And, to leave my little one-bedroom-zen-like-sanctuary-across from a river that fails to flow was at first like dropping the ice cream off of my proverbial ice cream cone. I knew it would be replenished with something more nourishing and richer. And, so I remember unpacking and completely freaking out. Temper tantrums were being thrown, because I had no idea where my belongings were going, and I wanted us to have our own home together. Well, reality was showing a different scenario.
Truthfully, I was afraid. Afraid that it wouldn’t work out, afraid that it would be like last time, afraid that he’d want to leave me, and as I unpacked it seemed like each emotion was being unpacked and unwrapped. The brat in me was quite active. She was very difficult and fiery. After, breathing, I decided to surrender and actually take what I learned from life coaching and all the rest, and tell my brattiness and expect the worse fearful thoughts to shut the f’up, and realize the gift that was unfolding. And, the gift unfolded in such a way that I sometimes still can’t believe that it is real. He’s still here, he loves me, I love him, we are growing, we love, we are happy, wow, who knew…pinch, pinch.
After moving in together we were invited to dinner with a well-known Vedic scholar and his wife. I had made rice pudding, which to this day, I think I could have made a little bit better. In my opinion, it didn’t come out pudding-like, as it is pudding. This was my concern. I didn’t use the traditional jasmine or basmati rice, but brown rice. And, the pudding wasn’t pudding, but a sweet thick rice experience. It was good, but maybe not exactly what I should have brought, maybe I needed to consult the stars on an appropriate dish. Well, self-doubt is like this. When you are invited to someone’s home whom is well-known and it’s a very special invitation, you are nervous. I was nervous. I had no idea what to wear, what to bring, and what to talk about. My yogic studies didn’t encompass knowing each passage from the Upanishads, and I had only begun to study Vedic Astrology. My boyfriend assured me that all would be fine. It ended up being a divine filled evening with Kali Ma watching over.
On a side note, I am a big fan of Kali, the goddess of creation and representation of the divine feminine. This obsession appeared after this fated meeting, when I began to realize how much the Goddess informed, inspired, and imbued my life with the play of creation.
At the end of the evening as we were leaving, Vedic scholar asked, “Are you pregnant?” which perked my inner knowing. I thought, “Did he channel something, was there a halo of pregnancy around me.” Truth was, I was bloated from eating wheat chapatti. I said to my boyfriend, “Watch him predict something.” I probably needed to keep my manifesting-lips-sealed, because five days later we conceived.
I tracked my period to the moon, and I used this handy app on my smart phone to determine when I was fertile and when I was in the clear. It has pretty pink flowers, green dots, and a cute little way to enter your period symptoms. Genius, I thought. Genius until the app had an oh shit factor. See, what I didn’t know that my doctor-boyfriend knew was that I was technically fertile two-days before my app said I was fertile and two days after. Oops. In the moment, on the night of conception, my boyfriend asks, “Are you fertile?” I say “No, not until tomorrow.” It was almost midnight apparently that counted as being fertile. My green fertile dot said I was fertile the next day; however, according to my boyfriend’s app, we were already fertile. I didn’t think anything of it, and who can truly rely on a green dot anyway.
For about three weeks before I had any idea I was pregnant, I was a hot mess. I was an emotional basket case, was bloated, had teenage-like-acne from out of nowhere, and I even began to take some functional medicine supplement called Hormone Protect to see if that helped. And, well it didn’t, nor did the Ayurveda compound called Blood Cleanse, a mix of manjistha and more.
I remember going to a journey group a complete wreck, saying to my friend Lynn, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We were sitting in my car. I’m crying, and angry because I had just gotten in a heated conversation with my boyfriend. And, I’m about to go journey into the other worlds. Hmm. Maybe, not a good idea for today. Shamanic journeying can be healing, yet it helps to have your emotions in check and be completely centered properly to the ground. None of which I was at that moment. I’m sitting in the group and we are asked to say how we are feeling. And, you have to speak not from the brain, but your body. I blurt out I feel pregnant as if I am about to give birth to something. I had no idea what I had just said. My friend Lynn just looked at me, and perked her one eyebrow up as she does. And, journeying I went. Then, I proceeded to have a visionthat involved mother Mary, and I saw a little girl in a white dress. As the journey was ending, I had my hands on my abdomen, and my body was receiving Reiki in my abdomen throughout the journey. I knew then that something in me had changed, and yet, my conscious mind had not figured it out yet.
I was as regular as the moon, like the sun and moon, regular, always. When, I missed the first day. I said to myself I’m fine it will come tomorrow. I said that for four to five days in a row. I waited for my period to come. And, it didn’t at all. The day that we took the test, a white cat appeared in our driveway, like an omen. I was pregnant. And, on my way to Burning Man to Fertility 2012.
Our Indira Marie is now 2 weeks and 1 day old. I have forgotten almost all of the details of the birth, luckily though my beloved has remembered for me and he is much better at telling the story. Giving birth was probably one of the most intense and beautiful experiences in my life. I have never felt so connected to the divine and/or felt so embodied. It is like communing with grace itself. In the moments when I wanted to give up, because I was exhausted all I could hear was my breath, mantras playing, and a voice inside saying find your bliss. Then, after 5-hours of labor, she arrived.
