Divine Irony

Now, I am at the other side of the table signing paper work, discussing a plan, progress, and goals. How did this happen? Nervously, I laugh and say to the Development Specialist, “I didn’t think I would ever be on this side of things. I used to be the one doing all of the paperwork.” I used to be a special eduction teacher, and now I am the parent of a child that has the potential for developing a developmental delay due to her medical condition (Tuberous Sclerosis). How did this exactly happen? I call this divine irony. I did not know when I signed up to be a special education teacher years ago that all of my skills, training, and experience would lead me to my own kitchen table working with my own daughter.

Honestly, it was the most challenging meeting to be in because this time I was on the other side. I was the parent full of questions, fears, what ifs, contemplating unknowns, and wondering will my child be okay. We are walking directly into the unknown. I deeply know it’s going to be okay, and that she will grow and thrive as best she possibly can. Yet, reality has a way of reminding you to be present. No checking out here–only checking-IN.

I am sitting with divine irony. Divine irony is an unexpected lesson we didn’t foresee coming. We make choices, and take steps in a direction and yet we never truly know where exactly it will lead. I now have one student, and she is my greatest teacher, my heart, and the most precious.

I write this for every parent. Every parent that trusts, loves, supports, and knows the potential of their child. We have to stay strong, courageous, full of conviction, and have faith for our children.

Everything is NEW

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WE are meeting a new reality. We experiencing a NEW paradigm. WE are journeying through freshly fallen snow together finding our way. WE are embracing all that is NEW together.

It seems that whatever we have not been willing to face is asking to be dealt with.  Have you noticed this? Have you noticed how strong the pull is to meet our challenges, shadows, and conflicts with a determined focus, and a deep willingness to transform? It seems brand new to practice in this way. We are being asked to meet our reality. Can we find comfort in the meeting of our reality? Or do we escape into a blissful cacoon?

“People don’t need my comfort; they need reality. Reality is its own comfort.” –Adyashanti

In this NEW paradigm, whatever it is that is not in alignment with our highest purpose is falling away. It’s just not happening. However, if it is in alignment it seems to be moving quickly, and happening all at once. Have you noticed?

NEW doesn’t always give you time to process or “think” about what is happening, because every cell of your being feels its newness. Here we can find comfort in our reality.

Right now, I feel completely NEW. Fully integrated into this NEW experience of life and that of motherhood.

Everything is NEW.

Stand in the conviction of your heart. BE in the NEW paradigm where your heart matters.

Ritual Cures

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“Ritual cures,” he says as we light our lamps. I pray so.

Sacred practices enliven and heal us–our karma and samskaras, our shadows, our suffering, and those very experiences we wish away. Yes, ritual cures, heals, and gives us the fire to divinely surrender and continue on.

I said to him, “I am getting quite devotional these days.” I am doing the opposite of what’s comfortable–keeping a very specific ritual. And it’s all for her, and turning out to be for ALL of us.

Here we are, our daughter with a genetic condition we cannot give a remedy to that will make it totally disappear, and we can’t re-wind her mutated DNA helix. I often imagine energetically restructuring her DNA helix. The lesson—deep abiding acceptance of LIFE.

We can only do what we can do to help alleviate her potential symptoms, and give her a healing diet, supplements, appropriate doctor’s appointments, lots of love, support, and care that may help her condition. Miracles are the only grace that will make her condition completely disappear. I believe in miracles.

What do we do?

You invite ritual. You grow deeper into practice. You connect. You go into that which makes you completely uncomfortable–the unknown. You turn your life into the most sacred ritual. Life is a miracle after all.

Ritual is keeping me sane, grounded, connected. It may not “cure” my daughter but it may. Miracles come in different varieties.

I think I’ll write the story where miracles happen!

If you would like to know more about Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, you can visit this link for the TS Alliance.

List Making 3:39am Style

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#1 on my list-be the best mama to Indira I can be…#5 I want to see my baby girl thrive, live a happy, meaningful life…

We make lists, lots of them, on a daily basis. I tend to make my lists from 3:39am to about 4:30am, while my sweet little Indira talks, plays, rolls around, and parties while we try to sleep. Key word “try” because sleep  has been added to my list. I plot a variety of ways that I am going to get more sleep. The best one to date a hotel room to myself for 24 hours where I will sleep for 12 hours, and watch all of the bad TV sitcoms I don’t even know exist.

Our lists come in three varieties–I want to, I need to, To finish. I actually decided to write out my three lists, and they are growing. I don’t know if I will ever finish everything on my “I want to list” like study jyotish or travel all over with an unknown next stop. I am armed though with evolving, growing, and inspiring lists that just may manifest into reality.

Manifest those lists! It is the year of the wood horse, which makes me think we will all be empowered to conquer our dream lists, and grow.

“Old Friend” A poem.

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Lately, retreating inwards feels right. So much has happened, and the quiet heals me. I have been feeling silent like this feather, which is one of many I have found along the way. My feathers are now scattered in my front yard. I released them and their stories into the wind. How do you hold onto something that was meant to fly and be light?

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I wrote this poem for an old friend. It came out of the silence I have been craving and needing.

“Old Friend”

Snow sky

lit with heaven light

The horizon ebbs

like a quiet river

waking a constant presence

like a quiet mantra for hope spun in gold.

 

 

Thank you

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“Don’t let your golden wings suffer, let them taste the Beloved’s lips; there is something in your heart that can lift them into the Sky’s oasis…”
-Hafiz

Dear friends,

Thank you for reading my words, and listening. Thank you to everyone who lit a candle, said a prayer, sent blessings, and love to my little girl. Thank you.

May light lift your wings so that you soar. May we allow this season of light to brighten the shadows and bring us closer to our hearts.

My blessings and deepest gratitude,

Beth

 

The Why(s) of Life

Bleary-eyed I am pacing the hospital hallway at 3:30AM chanting quietly to myself and sobbing. Children are crying in rooms with closed doors. My baby is one of them, while the doctors put an IV in her little arm.  I am wondering why is this happening.

As a mother, there is nothing worse than your child being sick, hurt, or in pain. Nothing. Why is this happening? I kept asking every being I ever prayed to—why? Only to realize the answer to that why is another why with no definitive answer.

The back-story is that my daughter was having infantile spasms. At first, we were unsure of what she was doing and why. We took a video and went to the doctor. That night we were driving to the hospital. I don’t like hospitals. I don’t buy into Western Medicine. However, Western Medicine serves a purpose at times especially in this case. After many tests, ultrasounds, an MRI (I think this is by far a harrowing experience. I sat in the room with my daughter, and when I came out of there I felt like my entire being had been electric shocked and I was shaking. Maybe the best part was for the techs watching me do pranayama, braid my hair, bumblebee breath with full on digital actions, and try to not go mad in 25-minutes.), Visual EEG (They all probably loved that as I would curl up in the crib to breastfeed my baby. It was full on acrobatics.), EKG, and numerous doctors visiting until we finally received a diagnosis. My daughter has been diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis, which is a rare genetic condition that causes benign tubers or tumors to grow. Hers are in her brain causing seizures. Why would this happen to an innocent child? Why? Honestly, I am still struggling, because it is very unfair and I can’t seem to understand. Yes, I am pissed off at the divine for this happening to my little girl.

We have all been there before. Trying to find answers to why something horribly terrifying and heartbreaking is happening.  Sometimes we receive an answer and other times we do not.

My friend called with the answer. The most perfect answer at that moment. This is a divine orchestration she said, and part of your daughter’s path and something for all of you to learn.

Divine orchestration. I sat with that in silence listening deeply.

The next day my father gave his wisdom, “Love trumps all.”

In these moments it is hard to think that suffering can be divinely orchestrated. We may not know and ever be able to understand why something happens. What I do know is that no matter what happens love helps us to overcome adversity and that adversity strengthens us.

All we have is TODAY and it is divinely orchestrated.

**Prayers for my baby girl and our family are welcome. For it is the power of prayer that has gotten me through as well as breathing, mantra, pranayama, practice, chocolate, the love that is overflowing from our community, and my daughter’s smile. **

 

Everyday Gratitude

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The early winter light shifts in the Southwest to a watermelon glow. The land stays still and the light changes the endless desert into a moving meditation. As I was sitting at Thanksgiving dinner watching evening grace us, I saw the wild horses come out over the horizon. I listened to the conversation. I saw those before me. I met the eyes of the ones I loved. I rested into the silence feeling blessed to be right here.

It is easy to give thanks and extend gratitude when we are surrounded by love, and truthfully when all is going well. Earlier today, I had forgotten. I was rushing. I was and still am exhausted. I didn’t take care of myself by taking the time to meditate or practice. I was needed in many different directions. And, I missed my family that live so far away. I had simply become wrapped up in my own story that I had forgotten what today was about, and why I was going crazy making all of this food.

Gratitude is easily forgotten. I know for myself that I sometimes get so focused on everything that is happening, I simply forget to say, “Thank you.” Life is precious and miraculous. I realize this more and more everyday.

Each day, each breath, each moment is an opportunity to give thanks.

Starting today, I am going to start a gratitude log. I am going to write everything I am grateful for each day. Maybe you will share in this exercise with me.

Thank you for being present and reading my words. With gratitude and many blessings to all!